From the story of Marty the Bear to the now mildly infamous "Duck Effect," my friends and I have a habit of coming up with some weird stuff when we're bored. In tribute to that theme, I have collected a "Best of.." section here, showing off some of the worthier moments of spontaneity. Due to their nature, all typos have been left intact to preserve their original state.
The Duck Effect:
I used to run an IRC channel under the name "MrSquiggles." One day, I had a very strange conversation... I call it "The Duck Effect"
MrSquiggles> Nonsense words are all good and fun, but they aren't conversation.
femlow> well then think of a conversation
femlow> a subject
MrSquiggles> Okay: How many ducks can you fit in a minivan?
MrSquiggles> Let me be more specific, a 1994 Aerostar.
femlow> what size ducks
MrSquiggles> Last time I tried I got 213 in. Unfortunately, I only got 15 out. Now, I didn't kill any ducks mind you, it's just that when you gather too many ducks in one place, they create a bizarre electromagnetic field that warps space time, creating a temporal vortex. Most likely the ducks will emerge in the year 2237, on the Second Tuesday of October, somewhere off the coast of Long Island.
MrSquiggles> The Duck Effect, as it's called, is also used by the United States Government to power Stealth Go-carts they have developed for Suburban Warfare.
femlow> but by the time the go carts re emerge wont the be totally outdated
MrSquiggles> No no no, the Field only alters time directly if uncontrolled. The Go-Carts move around by only leaving a small foothold in current space time. In fact, all the observer would see is a duck flying around at ground level, until the armed go-cart popped out.
femlow> how is it that people discovered this?
MrSquiggles> By trying to stuff Ducks into Aerostar minivans.
femlow> who was it that dicovered this? you?
MrSquiggles> No, the Canadians.
femlow> why were they trying to stuff ducks into the mini van in the first place?
MrSquiggles> What else is there to do in Canada besides stuff ducks into Minivans?
femlow> I'd think they could find something
MrSquiggles> In fact, it was famous Canadian Scientist Renaud Q. L'Canadia whose life's work was to find a cleaner, safer, and more fuel efficient alternative to Hockey who stumbled across the phenomena. Unfortunately his triumph was short lived, as his head was accidentally sent a week ahead in time to Bulgaria.
femlow> does it need to be a cirtain amount of ducks?
MrSquiggles> It's related to the number of ducks within a radius of space - however, the energy can be tapped from just a single duck if the proper technology is implemented.
Marty the Bear:
This is something I wrote during an e-mail once. It's not that good, unless you consider that I wrote it in less than a minute.
The Tale of Marty the Bear
Once upon a time there was a little bear named Marty. Marty had a stupid hat on, and he severely disliked it. Mostly he disliked it because it clashed with his favorite vest, and you know how bears get about their vests.
Anyway, Marty couldn't take off the hat because when he was four years old, he made the mistake of laughing at the Adhesive Fairy while standing in "Stupid Looking Hats R Us," so the Adhesive Fairy had her revenge by gluing a stupid looking hat to his head. For many years, Marty looked like an idiot, and not-too-fashion savvy while wearing his favorite vest.
Then one day, Marty's one and only friend Jacko the squirrel said "You should get the Adhesive Fairy to undo her spell!"
Marty looked Jacko and said, "You dumb-ass, I ATE the Adhesive Fairy right after she did it to me!"
"Such vulgarity! I'm terribly offended!" replied Jacko, with a disgusted expression.
"Shut up," replied Marty. Marty then ate Jacko. "Now I have no friends... oh well, who cares."
But talking with his lunch had given Marty an idea. Marty realized that he could go to the Fashion Fairy, and get her to change the hat glued to his head into one that would match his favorite vest.
So Marty began his journey, making many new friends (and eating them) along the way. Until, finally, after many days of travel, Marty arrived at the house of the Fashion Fairy. He knocked at the door with anticipation...
"Why hello!" answered the Fashion Fairy, as she opened the door. She was a short, elderly woman, with a pair of stylish cardboard wings glued to her back.
"Fashion Fairy, I have a favor to ask of you," begged Marty.
"Oh, what is it, you poor Bear?" asked the Fairy.
"I want you to make this hat match this vest," requested Marty, as he gestured to both his hat and vest.
The Fashion Fairy looked at the clothing long and hard, and finally she said yes. Waving her magic wand, a spell took shape.
Suddenly, Marty saw in his hand that his favorite vest... now matched the hat he hated so much.
"Damn it, woman! You changed the wrong one!" yelled Marty. Marty then ate the Fashion Fairy.
How was that?
RIP Our Social Lives:
While chatting with Befu online one night, we had a very interesting conversation... about how we frankly have no social lives.
It goes as follows (I am of course Traegorn, and Befu is Seischiro):
Traegorn: See, I can't bring myself to going to bed early, but I still have to get up early and go to work... Sleep and Social life are things of the past, sadly.
Seischiro: i have the sleep, just not the social life.
Traegorn: Let us mourn the death of "going out and having fun", hehe
Seischiro: yes, lets. who'll be performing the eulogy?
Traegorn: I say we get Rev. Al Sharpton to do it. He's not up to anything at the moment.
Seischiro: Good idea. Open or closed casket?
Seischiro: I think Captain Morgan should be one of the pallbearers.
Traegorn: Closed Casket. I don't think I want to see the condition it was in when it kicked the bucket. :P
Seischiro: Mebbe Mr. Clean...'cos sometimes you needed him after all that fun.
Traegorn: Along with Jack Daniels...
Seischiro: Hm...we need atleast another pallbearer.
Traegorn: Cap'n Crunch, for the heck of it.
Seischiro: Why not? Sounds good to me.
Seischiro: Or Count Chocula!
Seischiro: I can just see the obituary in the paper.
Traegorn: Yes, "The collective social life of Trae and Befu was found dead this morning, apparent cause of death was a complete and total lack of time. The body was discovered by an old lady who tripped on it..."
Seischiro: Having Fun, Going Out and died earlier this week of unknown causes. It was said that after his wife Time left for the Tropic of Capricorn with Military Time it was the end of him. He lasted a few days afterwards, but had nothing to live for. He passed away quietly after a 60 some hour period without sleep. Friends Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels were by his side in his last few hours. Daniels states that he "...just withered away after his stagnant period of sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing." Family wasn't availible for commenting, they were too busy with work, school and life in general. Proceeded in death by father, Good 'ol Time and mother Nice Time. No known direct descendents as of yet.
Seischiro: phew. that took a while to write.
The Dessert Wars:
Here's another IM conversation with Befu, detailing sugary death...
Traegorn: I like pie.
Seischiro: french silk pie is good. it's the only pie i eat.
Traegorn: It is my favorite pie
Seischiro: mine too.
Traegorn: It is king of pies! I declare it. All other pies bow to it's greatness.
Seischiro: if pies could bow, would they?
Seischiro: but then wouldn't they overthrow the monarchy and institute some other form of govenment?
Traegorn: Well, they tried - but the great French Silk armies crushed the foolish rebellion, with the help of the neighboring Cheesecake empire.
Seischiro: but won't they rise again, with the help of ala mode pies?
Traegorn: The attitudes of the ala mode pies changes too constantly for them to be a reliable ally in battle, so the rebels don't trust them.
Seischiro: hm. what about danish pastries? they may help the other pies for the sake of getting rewarded
Traegorn: Well, while they can help, they do not have the substance to withstand a basic chocolate assault.
Seischiro: true...but what about cream puffs?
Traegorn: They're a bunch of cream puffs. Do I even have to make the joke? :-P
Seischiro: marzipan? all sugary goodness?
Traegorn: Sugary evilness.
Traegorn: They were the ones who were overthrown by the French Silk Pie family.
Traegorn: Now the Marzipan is scattered in exile.
Traegorn: Yes. And now you know more about the history of the great dessert wars.
Seischiro: that i do. thank you for enlightening me trae.
Traegorn: You're quite welcome. I am a scholar of many things. :-)
Vanessa's Monkey Quest:
Finally, a chatlog between myself and my friend Vanessa (bylightoffire) from back in 2004. It's about her love of small monkey statues. Like everything else on this page, all spelling errors have been left unaltered by they way, so no, I'm not going to fix them. I lie, I did fix an error or two... but who cares, eh?
Traegorn: Good luck on getting the monkeys. :-p
bylightoffire: :-P well, i'm not going to bid on the $300 one
Traegorn: Awww... come on - you have to show the commitment to the monkeys!
bylightoffire: i don't care if it *is* white jade
bylightoffire: my first priority is to get my three jade monkey set together as a family
Traegorn: Yay monkey family!
bylightoffire: oh man, my life has meaning
bylightoffire: finding the monkey family.
Traegorn: It could become an epic quest!
Traegorn: Like the search for el dorado or something. :-p
bylightoffire: hee hee
bylightoffire: man, if it becomes an epic quest, i want a bumbluy sidekick who makes me look graceful and heroic.
Traegorn: And in the Disney version it can be replaced by a talking animal or something. :-p
bylightoffire: a monkey.
Traegorn: That would be too easy.
Traegorn: How about a talking moose!
bylightoffire: ooo yes!!!
bylightoffire: but only if john goodman does the voice
Traegorn: What about Dan Akroyd?
bylightoffire: ooo perhaps
Traegorn: As long as it's not Louie Anderson... *shiver*
bylightoffire: oh goodness no
Traegorn: That would make me cry.
Traegorn: Who would voice you?
bylightoffire: that would make me vomit.
bylightoffire: my voice?
bylightoffire: kate hudson.
bylightoffire: because i said so.
Traegorn: Get Bernadette Peters or Leah Salonga to do the singing
bylightoffire: oh goodness, not bernadette peters
Traegorn: Why not?
bylightoffire: love her singing, but does she have to be so.....je ne sais quoi...in real life?
Traegorn: What do you mean?
bylightoffire: she just rubs me the wrong way
Traegorn: When did Bernadette Peters ever rub you? (Sorry, had to go for the horrible joke... it was right there)
bylightoffire: well see, there was this one time at choir camp....
Traegorn: hehe... we shall now extract this from the bad place that it has gone...
Traegorn: Where would the movie be set?
bylightoffire: well, we *do* have a talking moose to take into consideration...
Traegorn: I say the jungles of Peru!
Traegorn: Or the Sahara Desert!
bylightoffire: i think jungles of peru
bylightoffire: i'm not crossing a desert
bylightoffire: but i will use a machete
Traegorn: There should be a duet about Malaria in there somewhere
Traegorn: Malaria, oh what a disease, Malaria, Catch Yellow Fever if you please...
bylightoffire: only if j. patrick polley is one of the two singing
bylightoffire: it can be that the moose and i go to a nightclub to meet a stranger with information
bylightoffire: and the duet is playing in the background
Traegorn: You need a bad guy though -- it would be a good bad guy/bad guy side kick song.
bylightoffire: i personally thought that it would make a better romantic duet. you know, i'll take care of you if you take care of me, and then that darn ague we shall flee
Traegorn: See, I was thinking it would be a great "Singing about bad things happening to people" song. Hmm... how about Patrick Stewart playing an evil treasure hunter, who's trying to get to the monkeys first, and he sings it with his side kick Patcho -- a small swedish man voiced by Robin Williams...
bylightoffire: ooo i love patrick stewart as a villian. but i don't agree with your idea for the sidekick
bylightoffire: i think it should be a french vino.
Traegorn: Played by Jerry Orbach!
Traegorn: He was wonderful in the original cast recording of The Fantasticks
bylightoffire: ooo and the sidekick should be basically an ok person (to make the villian look even more evil); he just got mixed up with the wrong crowd.
Traegorn: With a stutter, to make him seem more helpless in the going-along-with-evilness
bylightoffire: you just read my mind. i was going to type that.
Traegorn: This could be the best Disney movie ever. :-p
Traegorn: Now we need to just pitch it to the mouse.
bylightoffire: this needs a title. something more dramatic than "Search for the Jade Monkey"
Traegorn: "La Noche De Los Monos: In Search of the Jade Monkey" maybe?
bylightoffire: a spanish title?
Traegorn: Well, it takes place in Peru
bylightoffire: oh yeah